In quest of love

I was busy doing nothing and staring at the cloud laden sky when my mom came to my room. Her jovial mood was in contrast to my own; way too contrast.

“Hey, Sweetie, guess what?” my mom tried when I didn’t acknowledge her presence.

“Hmph?” was my only reply.

“There is a marriage proposal for you,” my mom told me excitedly, thinking she had my whole-hearted attention. “A very nice guy and handsome too…”

After a minute when I turned my gaze to my mom, she was still talking about ‘the guy’. I could see her bubbling with excitement … and there was something else … nervousness? Yes, she was nervous, nervous of my reaction.

I smiled at her. My mistake! She relaxed visibly, but mistook my smile for my interest.

“I knew you will like the guy,” my mom said. Yeah, without even looking at him, I thought. “Let me show you his photograph.”

And she sprinted out of my room. Literally. Is that yoga thing finally paying, I wondered. She didn’t give me much time to think along those lines as she was back with the photograph.

So, he looks like this tribal man, who never ever has seen sunshine, never taken bath, never seen another human and yet managed a photograph of himself. Well, that was how thought I would start but have to accept, he is handsome, the way they describe in those love novels.

After letting my mom fiddle with it for God-knows-how-much-time, I said, “He is good looking, Mom, but that’s not the only thing you look for in a guy. I don’t love him. Heck! I don’t even know him.”

“Knowing is not a problem, Honey,” Mom said airily, “And once you are married, you will learn to love. That’s how it is. And how long will you wait for the love of your life? Whole life?”

I had no answer to that, so I was silent. And that’s how I found myself in a beauty parlour after one month, getting ready for my own wedding. Yeah, my own wedding. That novel-handsome guy isn’t that bad – loving, caring, understanding, etc. And still I can not feel that spark, you know, the kind which tells you – yes, he is the one. But … as Mom said, I can’t wait my whole life for my Prince Charming.

***

Five years, five long years, five long hectic years, five long … alright, you got an idea, right? Yes, five years since I got married. I am well settled with my husband and two kids. Life is cool and calm, well as much it can be with two naughty kids around. But yes, I have everything I could have hoped for in life … correction … married life.

But, sometimes … just sometimes, I look at the sky and think about my Prince Charming, whom I never gave a chance. All these years, I tried forgetting about him. I tried finding him in my husband, but no, he is not ‘the one’. Not that he is bad or we don’t gel well, but it’s that I don’t find a spark in him, there are no ringing bells in my mind and my heart doesn’t skip a beat when I see him.

Is this idiocy? To wait for someone who you don’t even know is there? Is it sinful to wish for love when I already am married? Is it selfish on my part to wish love when I am not exactly lacking it? If it is, then why do I still think about it?

***

A new colleague joined office today. God knows why, but I felt as if I know him. Of course, that proved to be a figment of my wild imagination. He had never even been to the cities I have wandered through all my life. Still, where had I seen him?

Anyway, he seems to be a shy … scratch that … introvert kind. Not that he won’t answer you if you ask something, but his answers are odd and to the point, giving you an impression that he is not interested. Many of my colleagues think he is arrogant, but I think it’s better to talk less than to talk rubbish.

***

He is my friend now. It’s strange that within two months we have opened up so much with each other. There’s hardly anyone else whom I am so frank with. I never had shared my opinions until necessary with anyone and definitely not the personal ones. But, he always seems to know that when am I worried, when I need someone to talk to, when I need a friend to confess things I want to. He just has to ask me and I can’t help but pour all my heart out to him. Same is the case with him. I don’t see him talking and laughing so much as he does with me.

I haven’t confessed this to anyone, but I feel very happy and proud that I am the reason he laughs and talks so much, that I make him feel content, that he shares his problems with me.

And well, now I am also labelled odd and arrogant by my colleagues.

***

It was my marriage anniversary today. He also came. And he gifted me a set of fiction novels which I still hadn’t got the chance to read. To say I was surprised would be an under-statement. Even my husband can’t tell my favourite novels and yet he had chosen all the ones I would love to lay my hands on.

The party went well and to everyone’s amazement, he got along very well with my ‘naughty’ kids. Thanks to him, there was no interruption in the party; a record in the last six years. I had to stop my kids from going with him to his home. I am pretty sure my colleagues would have labelled my kids as arrogant as well or maybe odd. As if I care, huh!

***

These girls! What do they think of themselves? Just because they wear skimpy clothes, they think they can woo any guy. I would have loved to kill that … that … bitch, yes, bitch. How dare she!

And no, she couldn’t find any other guy in the whole office group. She had to flirt with him. She had to ask his help in swimming. Why the hell did we go to beach for celebrating our team’s anniversary?

And he … he simply laughed it away when I told him. He was just helping her, he said. Yeah, right! As if I am blind or something. He is too innocent for all these things. He doesn’t know that girls take advantage of guys like him. Those sluts, I swear…

***

He has not come to office for a week. He is ill, some viral or something. Yes, we all went to meet him. He looked so weak. I wish I could stay there and help him. Though I did take dinner for him twice, it’s not enough, now is it? My husband was looking in a odd way, when I took dinner to hospital. My kids also came with me and it seemed more of an outing than a hospital visit.

I wish he gets well soon. Office is not the same without him.

***

How can this happen? How could I let it happen? No, no, this is not happening.

I … I – him … no. We are just friend, right? I mean, we care for each other like friends, don’t we? Then why does Sonia feel that we have fallen for each other. She is idiot. Gossip queen of the office.

And yet, why was he not disturbed by the fact? Why was he looking at me oddly? Why did he not deny it? What’s all this? Why is it happening?

***

Yes, I love him. I have loved him from the first day I saw him. I have loved each and every moment I spent with him. I feel pain when I was not with him. I, who always waited for Prince Charming, couldn’t recognise him. It took a simple question from my husband to make me accept the truth. What is he to you? That’s was what my husband asked me.

What is he to me? Everything. Everything I wanted my husband to be. He is my love. He means the whole world to me.

What an irony! I had always waited for my ‘Knight in shining armour’. Here he is and I can’t hold his hand. I can’t love him. I can’t be his.

This is painful … to let go of my life, to forget the happiness I will have with him, to find a treasure only to leave it again.

What should I do?

***

His confession tore me apart. We both love each other and yet can’t be together. This is cruelty, unfair, horrible …

No, I did not wait for him to let him go… he is my happiness, my being. I feel empty without him. I don’t want to die when I just learnt to be happy.

***

My whole family is against me. Honestly, what was I expecting? What else will you get after telling your family that you want to move out of a happy married life? Just because you have found love? my mother had said. Now I am idiot and insane as well. Well, apart from arrogant.

My husband … he is furious, depressed and feeling dejected. I tried explaining him. But honestly, what can I say to make him feel better.

***

It has been five years since we got married. Five years full of love and life. I have never felt so happy and content. It seems like that smile on my face never wants to fade away.

Ahh! A crash downstairs. Seems like I am wanted there. Those two naughty boys had broken something. I am not sure whether they proved to be a bad influence on him or he proved to be a bad influence on them. But, he knows how to get them under control. God knows, what my two years daughter will turn into. No, I am not expecting much. With three naughty kids around, she is bound to join them.

Alright, now they all are shouting at the top of their voices, led by the to-be-member of the group. Hungry kids.

Time for me to go.

Ciao.

-Allya